From Honeymoon to Headache

The ex-pat lifecycle

“What is the difference between an ex-pat and a racist? About 3 months.” The old joke that many will find totally unfunny, but like the best comedy there is more than a grain of truth therein.  The things that we find quaint and exotic upon arrival soon have a sneaky habit of turning into the very things that drive us up the wall.  

The American psychologist Edward Thorndike identified the “halo and horns effect” back in the early 1920’s. During my working career I used to educate hiring managers about the perils of falling into the halo and horns trap during the recruitment process. One stellar achievement does not make a successful career. Today I see it in action when people relocate. At first the host country wears the glowing halo – even the traffic chaos feels agreeably authentic. Fast forward a year and the same traffic just feels like traffic. What was once charmingly quirky becomes endlessly frustrating. Nostalgia makes people blind to their reasons for relocating.  

Ex-pat forums are like group therapy with added passive aggression. Some posts are heartfelt, others are constructive, and some are just poking the locals with a stick to provoke a “Why don’t you **** off back to your own country” response and enjoy the resulting outrage. But why do people grumble quite so much about their new life? 

The answer probably lies within where the individual is in the ex-pat lifecycle. During the honeymoon period everything is seen through rose tinted spectacles, but as we all know after the honeymoon is over your view of the world in more likely to be from behind the shield of mirror lens ray-bans. What follows is the crisis phase, as discontent is fuelled by unrealistic expectations. The culture shock sets in. 

A few glossy shopping malls does not mean the country is on par with well developed countries when it comes to infrastructure. Officialdom has not been replaced by slick online portals, internet services are wobbly, public healthcare does not meet western standards and public transport is sporadic. Summer is intensely hot and humid with frequent water shortages. That endless sunshine that you bragged about is now all about prickly heat, frizzy hair and the creeping realisation that you might actually miss drizzle.  During winter, anti-cyclones bring intense wind and rain, and power outages are regular occurrences. Those who once enthused about enjoyable trips to markets busting with colourful local produce complain about needing to go to three supermarkets and make two substitutions before every dinner party. What was once refreshingly laid back is now poor service. 

Most people who have lived overseas for a long time know that ex-pat fatigue sneaks up on them after a few years, even if they don’t give it a name. it is the slow erosion of your enthusiasm caused by the daily challenges like bureaucracy, traffic, and the mystery of why the power goes off right at the end of the movie. Add in the cynicism of other ex-pats and the wide-eyed curiosity of endless tourists (“You’re so lucky, how long have you lived here?”), and it’s no wonder life abroad feels like one long headache. Another symptom? That peculiar feeling of being neither here nor there. Not really being 100% local but no longer fully “home” back home either.

Eventually the ex-pat lifecycle moves through adaptation and onto integration. There are ways to achieve a happy life abroad. Be patient with yourself and others while adjusting. Develop a routine (one that preferably does not focus on spending endless hours in bars drinking with other ex-pats) and keep busy. Focus on your mental and physical health, seeking support when you need it. Take a look at your surroundings through those rose-tinted lenses again and appreciate the good things around you. Plan your finances. Personalise your home (even if it is a rental) and make it feel like a place you belong. 

Where am I on the lifecycle, I can hear you asking. You reap what you sow. I planted strong seeds that have grown roots. New friendships, new interests, a nice home that feels like ours. I try not to lose sight of what made me want to live elsewhere. Yes, I absolutely get ex-pat fatigue now and then but nothing a little retail therapy or an overpriced glass of wine in London or Dubai can’t fix: preferably both, in one country enroute to the other!