Integration is easy – said no one ever!

The Oxford English Dictionary defines integration as “the action or process of combining or joining different things or groups into a whole” and “joining diverse groups of people in a harmonious way”.  Pre-retirement, there was nothing I enjoyed more than being given responsibility for cultural harmony following a merger or acquisition. Particularly as there was rarely anything remotely harmonious about bringing two organisations together despite corporate good intentions. Nothing was quite as much fun as being the Senior Referee (otherwise titled HR Director) when it came to unifying working practices, policies, compensation and benefits! 

Life as a retired ex-pat involves a lot of integration and it’s a lot less fun than it used to be at work. No timelines or project plans and you can’t make the troublemakers redundant – Oops, did I say that out loud? The similarity is that you have to work hard to meet people and establish yourself.  It takes both time and effort to gather your troop, that small group of trusted friends who offer support and a sense of belonging. 

When new to a country and seeking to build relationships, the secret is not to turn any invitation down and to chat to complete strangers in bars, restaurants, the gym, on the beach etc. Anyone who nods and smiles back has potential, but don’t come across as needy. People have busy lives, and one has to be invited in. This sounds obvious but join clubs, people with the same interests as you might become friends. I learned to play Mahjong after being invited by the girlfriend of a chap who plays golf with a friend’s husband. Yes, it is that random. Now I organise a mahjong group and have met some very lovely ladies who are lots of fun, slightly competitive and very supportive. 

You also have to be strong when it comes to distancing yourself from people you meet that you simply don’t like. It happens, nobody likes everybody and that includes people not liking you so don’t get offended when you are dropped from a guest list. Life is way too short to spend it tolerating people you don’t get along with, make them redundant! The downside to making good friends with world travellers is that due to the very nature of adventurous people, those you come to care about leave. People move on for many reasons; their jobs, health, family commitments or simply wanderlust. 

Since retiring young and leaving the UK I have lived in Malaysia and now Mauritius.  Asia and Africa are very different culturally, politically and in prevailing religious beliefs. Both are a melting pot of nationalities and are upper-middle-income economies, but island life is over romanticised and there is a steep learning curve around local customs and social norms. 

The point of this narrative is to give some context to what has turned out to be a failed integration. Having lived in typical ex-pat luxury high-rise city apartments in Malaysia we decided to live a more integrated life here. Backs were turned on gated resort style developments in favour of local residential areas. It’s been a disaster. There is no getting away from the fact that people brought up in Europe have different values and standards to those brought up in Africa and the two don’t merge successfully.  Yes of course, you meet nice individuals and must respect that you are a guest in their country, but the challenges are numerous.  Living up an unsurfaced road might be okay if you employ a maid daily, but I did not retire to spend each day cleaning red dust from every surface. Listening to dogs barking, cows mooing and music blearing all night might be okay if the dogs, cows, music belong to you but not if you like a good nights uninterrupted sleep. Construction sites popping up without any planning regulations or attempt at being “considerate constructors” might be okay if you are building on your family plot but not if you live in the villa next door. 

Finally admitting that our attempt to downsize, pay less in rent and live in a local neighbourhood was making us miserable a month ago we moved into a penthouse apartment in a gated resort style complex with 24 x 7 security, a pool and gym. Huge sigh of relief. A few of our troop already lived here so we have slotted into a community of likeminded people. Somewhat unfairly nicknamed “Little Brittain” our neighbours are British, French, South African and Mauritian. Everyone has lived and worked in different parts of the world and our diverse group is definitely harmonious. One failed integration, one successful one!